Part of what I wanted to do when I moved out to Portland was find myself. Although, that’s not the right phrasing. I wanted to give myself treatment. I wanted to, WANT to change the way I feel about myself and think about myself, and I think that if I can branch out and explore the world and what it has to offer beyond the narrow streets of what is ‘wrong’ and ‘right’ or what I have been taught is ok, then I might have a better outlook on life, or at least a broadened one. I want to become one of those interesting people who has a story to tell. Who knows about life, and the world, and the beauty of all the things in it.
A lot of things I have done in the past week I never thought I would do. In fact, I told myself that I never would. I told my friends that I never would. Going back to the whole ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ thing. It’s simple, don’t do the things that are wrong, and you’ll be ok. I realized that thinking like this would get me nowhere in life. That combined with my need to branch out, to try new things, and to push myself to not be so timid and scared of new things. I need to stop over thinking. I think it’s better to go through life not wondering what if.. or should I have, or any other variants that may fit.
Some people, though, seem to think that there is only ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ and they care a little bit to much about the choices I make, for myself. I don’t mind concern, in fact I expect it, but I don’t like judgement. Which makes me think of that quote ‘those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind.’ I think it’s true. It’s not just friends, it’s my family. They will only treat me well or talk to me if I do things in a certain way. If I live within their expectations.
I think that a friend should be more ‘go for it, ill be right here in case it doesn’t turn out well’ instead of ‘oh, you shouldn’t do that, and if you do then I’m out of here.’
I realize that if a friend is going to be judgmental and turn their nose up at me because they don’t approve of my choices, then maybe they aren’t really worth having in my life anyways.