Ryan Rawr

I wish I wasn’t so alone.

I wish I was beautiful. 

I wish for once, I could just be happy.

I wish I was less emotional.

I wish I were lovable.

I wish I would stop being so depressed.

I wish I would stop crying all the time.

I wish I wasn’t in so much pain.

I just want it all to stop. 

(Source: lucidessence)

About everything, really. But mostly how much I allow myself to get hurt. I wish I could do like a lot of people, and just be guarded. ‘Build a wall’ around my heart and soul, and make it to where only those I trust are allowed in.

But then I think.. maybe my heart and soul are so damaged, it’s impossible to guard them. There are too many cracks. Too many ways in. And I like the fact that I let people in. That I become close to people fast, and that everyone who does come into my life I always remember. 

On the other hand.. a lot of people enter my life, and they end up either hurting me, usually without even knowing, or just leaving, making another crack. Breaking me even more.

I’m tired, and upset, and maybe not thinking straight. But one day, it has to stop, right? Someone has to come along to fix all the damage. 

But maybe I’m wrong about that, too. 

(Source: lacedsoul)

:/

(Source: lacedsoul)

I wish for this, I wish for that. I wish it would all go away. I wish I was a better person. I wish I was better looking. I wish I could do that. I wish things were different.. I wish you were here.

But the biggest wish I have is to not have to wish as much. To have things happen the way I wish they would, for once. To find someone who cares and knows enough about me to make at least some of my wishes come true without me even having to wish for them. 

(Source: lacedsoul)

I’m in such an odd mood today. I’m so sick of my life being this tangled mess of confusion, depression, and tears. I think the only reason I’m still sane is because of my best friends.. but when they aren’t around I just fall apart again.

I just want it to stop! And there is now something that makes it all easier, I just don’t know.. how long it’ll last, or if it’s even real. It sort seems of too good to be true. And usually when things seem that way.. they are. But I guess I’ll see..

I sort of don’t even care if it’s real. Even if it’s a lie.. at least it’s beautiful. 

(Source: lucidessence)

I mean, it seems so simple. I wouldn’t have to worry about love, or finding love, or waiting for the right moment to do something, or any of the other things that I think about so often. I could just be with other people in a sexual manner. It would be fun, and simple, and I wouldn’t have to expect anything from anyone or worry about getting hurt.

I could just still be myself, just add being a slut.

But then I realize that I’m not even attractive enough to do that.

(Source: lucidessence)

Which is worse, failing or never trying?

I think that never trying is by far the worst. How do we know what we are capable of if we never try to do things? Even if you fail, at least you can say ‘I tried’ and then move on to the next thing. If you never try.. you will always wonder ‘what if.’ 

What is the difference between being alive and truely living.

Being alive to me means that you are.. alive. Breathing, moving, working. But truely living is when you love life. When you get to that point where you stop wishing there was more, or that things were different, and your life turns in to a song instead of just a bunch of noises put together. 

Has your greatest fear ever come true?

Not yet. There have been many bad things that have happened in my life, and a lot of them would be up there on the greatest fear list, but the one that truely is my greatest fear has not come true yet. 

Are you holding on to something you need to let go of?

Many things, at the moment. Some things have to do with relationships, but what I’m mainly struggling with now is myself. I’m going through this insanely fast personal growth, mentally, emotionally, and physically. I’m finding out a lot about myself, and none of it is really bad, but it’s odd to think that I’m not the person I thought I was, am, or will be. If that makes sense. Also, my looks are changing, and while it is mostly for the better, I can’t help looking in the mirror and freaking out because I don’t see ME anymore. I guess I’m just having trouble letting go of the person I used to be.