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I sit here..

On the floor. I stare at the walls and wonder.. Wonder how I got here, and things became so messed up. Wonder why I’m alone, and why people always leave.

As the pain courses through my body, and the tears start to fall, I remember the reason. It takes a little bit, but I remember.

I’m me.

And that’s all there is to it. Nothing more, nothing less.

Haven’t written in a while.

Part of what I wanted to do when I moved out to Portland was find myself. Although, that’s not the right phrasing. I wanted to give myself treatment. I wanted to, WANT to change the way I feel about myself and think about myself, and I think that if I can branch out and explore the world and what it has to offer beyond the narrow streets of what is ‘wrong’ and ‘right’ or what I have been taught is ok, then I might have a better outlook on life, or at least a broadened one. I want to become one of those interesting people who has a story to tell. Who knows about life, and the world, and the beauty of all the things in it. 

A lot of things I have done in the past week I never thought I would do. In fact, I told myself that I never would. I told my friends that I never would. Going back to the whole ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ thing. It’s simple, don’t do the things that are wrong, and you’ll be ok. I realized that thinking like this would get me nowhere in life. That combined with my need to branch out, to try new things, and to push myself to not be so timid and scared of new things. I need to stop over thinking. I think it’s better to go through life not wondering what if.. or should I have, or any other variants that may fit. 

Some people, though, seem to think that there is only ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ and they care a little bit to much about the choices I make, for myself. I don’t mind concern, in fact I expect it, but I don’t like judgement. Which makes me think of that quote ‘those who mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind.’ I think it’s true. It’s not just friends, it’s my family. They will only treat me well or talk to me if I do things in a certain way. If I live within their expectations.

I think that a friend should be more ‘go for it, ill be right here in case it doesn’t turn out well’ instead of ‘oh, you shouldn’t do that, and if you do then I’m out of here.’ 

I realize that if a friend is going to be judgmental and turn their nose up at me because they don’t approve of my choices, then maybe they aren’t really worth having in my life anyways.

(Source: lacedsoul)

I was in the shower..

And I heard a noise that sounded like the garage opening. And I don’t know why, but my first though was ‘Dad’s home.’ And then I opened my eyes in shock, like being woken up from a startling dream. Why’d I think that? Dad’s not home. ‘Dad’ is gone, he will never be home. There is no home. There is no dad. There never was. Now I feel pathetic.

Today was awful.

I don’t know what to do. I can’t do anything. I can only sit here in this cold, empty room and wonder what the hell is wrong with me. What is it I do that makes me so unlovable?

I don’t know if I can keep going though this. Day after day, night after night. I just want to stop…

I just realized.

I’m completely alone. Right now.. I have no one. Everyone is asleep. And I don’t have one of those friends I can call in the middle of the night. I’m just.. Alone. And upset. And tired. And I don’t know what to do. I feel so useless and dejected. Like my life is pointless. And I keep letting people down. I’m never good enough. Everyone always has something or someone better. And that is 100% true.

I feel like life is so pointless, and I’m such a fuck up. With everything. Everyone. I just can’t get it right with anything. To everyone, I’m sorry.. I really am. I’m sorry I’m such a dissapointment. I’m sorry I’m not good enough. And I’m sorry I can’t give you what you want. I’m sorry for everything.

I feel so useless right now. So unwanted. So alone. I’m sorry I can’t be more. But it’d be nice to find someone to who didn’t want me to be anything more. Someone who would be ok with me. And how fucked up I am. Someone who would understand, and want to make things better, instead of just leaving when times get rough, or when I don’t give them what they want.

I just want someone to love me. For me. Unconditionally. Someone who’d be willing to take my shattered heart and soul and try to put them back together again. No matter how hard it may be.

I don’t think that I’ll ever find that person. It’s just one of those feelings. In my gut. It’ll never happen. Mostly because I have nothing to offer. Just a long list of reasons to run away.

And all this brings me back to.. Whats the point, really? What is the point of being alive. I’m so unwanted. Even by my family. I’m worthless. I do nothing. I am nothing. Nothing but a fucked up, lonely boy who is so lost in this world.

This is just me thinking. Getting it all out. I can’t imagine doing anything that bad to myself. It’s just sometimes, I wish I were someone else. Someone people wanted. And sometimes, the thought of waking up terrifies me.

More.

I know what I would lose. 

I’ve been thinking about what the world would lose. And the answer, in short, is nothing. I think about myself, and who I am. Who I am to other people, and what I have to contribute to the world. And honestly, I come up very short. I’m not good at anything. My life will never amount to anything that would be missed. Other people can do what I can. Probably better. 

The only thing is my friends. The people I know. It’s a short list. The people who truly care about me. I know they would be fine after a while. I’m no one who can’t be replaced. Sometimes, it feels like I’m being replaced already. 

I’m thinking about this. Just thinking. For now, anyways.

Everyday the thought of it sounds more appealing. So simple. So easy. 

I wish I were more. I wish I were better. If I was, I wouldn’t be thinking. I wouldn’t be writing. I would be able to just say no, and not let my mind even wander to the place it’s at right now. 

(Source: lacedsoul)

I don’t know what to do with myself.

I wish I wasn’t so alone.

I wish I was beautiful. 

I wish for once, I could just be happy.

I wish I was less emotional.

I wish I were lovable.

I wish I would stop being so depressed.

I wish I would stop crying all the time.

I wish I wasn’t in so much pain.

I just want it all to stop. 

(Source: lucidessence)

So, I’m sitting here thinking.

About everything, really. But mostly how much I allow myself to get hurt. I wish I could do like a lot of people, and just be guarded. ‘Build a wall’ around my heart and soul, and make it to where only those I trust are allowed in.

But then I think.. maybe my heart and soul are so damaged, it’s impossible to guard them. There are too many cracks. Too many ways in. And I like the fact that I let people in. That I become close to people fast, and that everyone who does come into my life I always remember. 

On the other hand.. a lot of people enter my life, and they end up either hurting me, usually without even knowing, or just leaving, making another crack. Breaking me even more.

I’m tired, and upset, and maybe not thinking straight. But one day, it has to stop, right? Someone has to come along to fix all the damage. 

But maybe I’m wrong about that, too. 

(Source: lacedsoul)

Yes, I wish.

I wish for this, I wish for that. I wish it would all go away. I wish I was a better person. I wish I was better looking. I wish I could do that. I wish things were different.. I wish you were here.

But the biggest wish I have is to not have to wish as much. To have things happen the way I wish they would, for once. To find someone who cares and knows enough about me to make at least some of my wishes come true without me even having to wish for them. 

(Source: lacedsoul)

Wondering if you’ll be like the rest…

I’m in such an odd mood today. I’m so sick of my life being this tangled mess of confusion, depression, and tears. I think the only reason I’m still sane is because of my best friends.. but when they aren’t around I just fall apart again.

I just want it to stop! And there is now something that makes it all easier, I just don’t know.. how long it’ll last, or if it’s even real. It sort seems of too good to be true. And usually when things seem that way.. they are. But I guess I’ll see..

I sort of don’t even care if it’s real. Even if it’s a lie.. at least it’s beautiful. 

(Source: lucidessence)

Sometimes the idea of being promiscuous is so appealing to me.

I mean, it seems so simple. I wouldn’t have to worry about love, or finding love, or waiting for the right moment to do something, or any of the other things that I think about so often. I could just be with other people in a sexual manner. It would be fun, and simple, and I wouldn’t have to expect anything from anyone or worry about getting hurt.

I could just still be myself, just add being a slut.

But then I realize that I’m not even attractive enough to do that.

(Source: lucidessence)

Questions with Claudia.

Which is worse, failing or never trying?

I think that never trying is by far the worst. How do we know what we are capable of if we never try to do things? Even if you fail, at least you can say ‘I tried’ and then move on to the next thing. If you never try.. you will always wonder ‘what if.’ 

What is the difference between being alive and truely living.

Being alive to me means that you are.. alive. Breathing, moving, working. But truely living is when you love life. When you get to that point where you stop wishing there was more, or that things were different, and your life turns in to a song instead of just a bunch of noises put together. 

Has your greatest fear ever come true?

Not yet. There have been many bad things that have happened in my life, and a lot of them would be up there on the greatest fear list, but the one that truely is my greatest fear has not come true yet. 

Are you holding on to something you need to let go of?

Many things, at the moment. Some things have to do with relationships, but what I’m mainly struggling with now is myself. I’m going through this insanely fast personal growth, mentally, emotionally, and physically. I’m finding out a lot about myself, and none of it is really bad, but it’s odd to think that I’m not the person I thought I was, am, or will be. If that makes sense. Also, my looks are changing, and while it is mostly for the better, I can’t help looking in the mirror and freaking out because I don’t see ME anymore. I guess I’m just having trouble letting go of the person I used to be.

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