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I kinda hope I die in my sleep.

No more worries.
No more pain.
No more twisting of my heart.
No more feeling like nothing.

Somehow the day was good.

Until I got home. I got home and someone is in a bad mood. So cool. I’ll just drink my beer and smoke with my cat.

Up early, time to study.

I will take my exam on Monday. I will pass. And I will begin the next chapter of my life after waiting so long.. It’ll feel great.

I haven’t had anything anonymous..

Or otherwise in my box for like a month.

I feel like it’s all against me.
The air I breathe,
The stars I see
As I lay awake thinking
Why does it have to be like this
Can’t I just catch a break?

No this, no that. Fees to be healthy. Limits on time. Shitty situations I could never predict.

I just want to be still. For it all to stop, so I can catch up with this life that is running ahead of me, leaving vicious traps behind.


But no one to tell.

I lost allll the weight I put on over the summer!

  • <p dir=ltr> There is not a size smaller than double zero and those being baggy, besides my health, are really an issue cause there is this gay guy at my work I can't stand and he always looks nicer than I do. </p>
  • <p dir=ltr> How am I going to catch up without an ass!? &gt;:(</p>

I don't understand why..

  • <p dir=ltr> People don't like me. I try to be nice to everyone, but I'm always just there, someone to talk to when upset or bored but nothing else. </p>
  • <p dir=ltr> And when I try to put in an effort, people never want to reciprocate. I'm having such a hard time having a social life, because no one wants to hang around me.. there is always someone better or they are "busy."</p>
  • <p dir=ltr> Even on here, no one ever messages me. And when I message people, they give me one word replies or only answer me enough to kill the conversation. </p>
  • <p dir=ltr> I mean gosh, I'm not good looking or cool, but why don't people look more into me as a person? I'm not really good at anything but I do know I'm a damn good friend to have.</p>
  • <p dir=ltr> I'm tired, and frustrated.. this has been an issue my whole life and now its really starting to bother me,</p>

Once upon a time..

There was a sad, crushed little boy who would stay in his room all day long and cry himself to sleep at night, thinking about nothing but having someone to lay there with him and hold him until the tears would go away.
This boy was scared of the world; he feared rejection and was terrified to go out on his own. But one day, he faced a decision; continue to witness his family fall apart and shatter into insanity, or make his own way in the world and work towards happiness.
So that boy packed his things and flew all the way across the country to a city in which he didn’t know a soul. All alone in his apartment, laying on the floor; again he would cry himself to sleep at night wishing for nothing but someone to hold him until the tears would stop.
Another boy came along, one who held the promise of being those arms that would make him feel safe. For months, the boy went along, letting the other into his life; taking over his home, habits, mind, and soul. Completely blind and consumed by the thought that maybe, for once, someone actually wanted to be with him for no other reason that he was just himself.
But then someone else walked into his life. Actually, stumbled.. tripped through the doorway and landed on top of him. This wasn’t another boy, nor another guy who would just mess around and leave, crushing the boy’s soul even more. This was a man, one who noticed the small things. One who really cared. But he had his own problems, ones that wouldn’t allow him to weave himself fully into the fabric of the boy’s life, he was the thread that sat next to the fabric; both of them wanted the other to be stitched in, but neither was able to accomplish the task.
one day, someone.. and no one knows who or how it happened, someone picked up the needle and stitched them together.. and instantly, everyone knew that they were the perfect pairing.. the dress that would turn heads or the pants that fit so well you never want to take them off.
So the boy now lays down to go asleep, after a long day of work, in the soft bed in his new apartment; the one he shares with the man he loves, and the man that loves him; the only person in the world that dared to take a chance to look through the small, fragile facade and see the lost, lonely boy that just needed to be found. With his head on the pillow, he falls asleep peacefully in the arms of the one who took the time to wrap his arms around him and make the tears stop falling.
The end.

I feel so weak.

Like I’m fading away, deteriorating. I try so hard to act like I’m normal, and I push through the pain.

But I’m kind of tires of it all. I’m tired of wearing 00 pants, having to take a bunch of pills, not being able to do the things I want because my body just won’t have it.

It sucks.. On top of that I’m nervous about this full time job I start next week, and how that’s going to go. That makes me feel old, too.. Working full time instead if going to school. Funny how life changes so much.

Maybe I’m just a piece of art.

An object for people to see. To observe. To connect with, interpret all my lines, what I have, what I’m lacking. To see the pain in my eyes, the longing for affection.

And then walk away, onto the next piece in the gallery.


So, I took mushrooms last night. A pretty heavy dose of them, too.

It was so much fun. Laughing. Blissful. A nice vacation from life. I wasnt the me who I’ve made myself out to be. I was me.

I looked in the mirror and I say a different person. Maybe how other people see me. I feel deeper in love high my boyfriend, deeply intwined in his beauty.

As the trip came to an end.. I passed out. I saw him one minute, and the next he was frantically waking me up. I being to puke, and he took me to the shower.. everything turned yellow. I fought so hard to stay awakeep. Then I passed out twice more. I thought I was dying.. I was so scared.

But even though it didn’t end well.. I feel great today.

Happy. I’ve been smiling all day.

I’m not anxious.

I dont hate myself.

The pain doesn’t bother me as much.

And I realised that as long as I’m doing my best.. everything will work out.

Everything seems to be brighter and more beautiful. And I’m excited about life again.

Feeling rather worthless.

Again. Unattractive. Boring. Useless. 

I feel really helpless because I know that I shouldn’t feel like this.

There is no reason to!

But it won’t stop.

(Source: lacedsoul)

Never ending, crippling
Suffocating my body

Turbulent, broken
Smothering my soul

Constant, extreme
Imprisoning my mind

Broken, fragile
Held together by pills

The wind blows softly..

The crisp air gently stroking my face, filtered by the curtains that are slowly dancing, catching the words of the tipsy Wednesday night drinkers.

He lays next to me, asleep. Also a Wednesday night drinker. I look at him. His warm body, his melodic breathing. But I can’t get close. I can’t embrace him, and let his shoulder unknowingly catch the tears slowly trickling down my face. Ease the burden of the thoughts racing through my head. The doubt.

Distract me from myself.

I knew my luck would run out at some point. It never lasts for long.